Stephen, The Advocate... Again

This really happened. Very early last Saturday morning, I failed to secure my favorite seat on the MAX train: far right front, right behind the operator's cockpit, the only single seat on the train. I was already cantankerous & crusty. I deduced a deepening dread that the day would be demanding of my restraint. Yet, I was just 7 hours away from my weekend. If the world would play by the rules, I might make it to 66 hours of time spent just on me, not solving problems for people, not answering questions & not attempting to appease bosses, customers, staff, or spouse.

A commotion was afoot at the train stop- Old Town, a stirring in our section with a stinging utterance: "Fucking gays... die of AIDS. Fuck!"

Something has happened to me in my old age. I am unbothered with my own security, adding aggrieved ache from the hateful spewing of the Christian Right Wing, gently reminding me that I am less than fully human, I am willing to take on a detractor. I swung around to get a look at the somebody who dared to rant. Lucky for me, the individual was disembarking. I sighed, a battle that would be fought another day.

I shut my book & turned to glance out the window. There, 3 inches on the other side of glass was the most chilling face I have ever confronted, skin tight over bone, & the red eyes of an animal. He froze into my gaze, opened his slit of a mouth & a full load of brown bile & food matter flooded out. Still staring at me, he licked the corners of his cavity & flicked his dreadful tongue, just as the train lurched forward.

I was aware in that moment that his presence would penetrate my subconscious & dwell in my dream life. I considered the encounter during my work day, but figured I would file it under delete from my hard drive.

When I arrived back at my neighborhood MAX station, I began my end of the work week routine: a haircut from Darlene at 7 Bucks A Whack & a beer at the corner straight bar. I didn't need to wait at 7 Bucks A Whack, maybe everything's going my way after all. In Darlene's chair I am listening to a geezer in the next chair conversing with a geezer who was waiting.

Geezer #1 (chuckles): "I grew up in SW Washington on a dairy farm. My first job when I was a kid was placing the caps on the gallon bottles. The caps were red plastic with a wooden dot in the center that said- Homo Milk. Homo Milk! Where the hell do ya get Homo Milk. Not from a teat, that's for sure! Homo Milk. Huh!"

Geezer #2 (slap his sides): "Homo Milk is bad for ya. You will get that AIDS"

Stephen: "I guess you gentleman have not heard... It is the 21st century & homos are not fair game anymore. That is right. I am a homo & I don't appreciate the joke. So, shut the fuck up... you are bringing me down."

Geezers (in harmony): "Yeah?"

Stephen: "Yeah."

It could be The Eagle in any big city, with a motorcycle theme & no sense of design, but it is a decidedly straight spot.  But it is in a direct line from the haircut to home & am intrigued with heterosexual behavior, from a purely empirical point of view.

I always make friends with the help & was already on a first name association with an old broad of a bartender. Mimi poured me a PBR without my asking & she complained about the Mexicans for a moment before checking in with her regulars. Mimi stopped by & inquired about my reading material. "The Mercury", I answered.

Mimi: "Do you like that rag?"

Stephen: "Not really, it is a smidgen snarky, but I like to read & I will peruse most anything (I had been reading Maxim at 7 Bucks a Whack). I like the music reviews & I need to know what the kids are into these days."

Mimi: "Yeah, well the one that really chafes us here is that Just Out. We let 'em deliver it & then we take 'em out back & toss em'. For Jimmy that is not enough... he likes to burn 'em. After all, we are a family business! We sure don't need a newspaper about them queers."

Stephen: "Oh Mimi, The Mercury is far worse than Just Out. The page I was reading, before your ignorant & ungracious little prattle, contained the words: shit, fuck & cunt, plus a photo of a professional "titty girl", & I have not even made it to Dan Savage's column yet. Just Out is about families. All kinds of families. I am a gay man, one of many in this neighborhood. You need to embrace the new age we live in. It is now a different world & there is no stopping that gay agenda you hear about. Gay people don't appreciate being disparaged anymore. I am going to let the publisher of Just Out know about delivering the papers to this place. I am not going to return, which makes me sad... I sort of enjoyed your company. I would have appreciated having my beer, reading a Just Out & leaving you my typical 25% tip. & if 2 geezers come in here complaining about some queer, ask them how they take their Homo Milk."

This Really Happened To Me

They love it, & to give them pleasure is a pleasure for me, in fact, I have no satisfaction that compares to giving pleasure to a preferred human or canine, they respond so tangibly. Junior & LuLu  are so happy taking a long walk, being the facilitator of the doggie journey brings a reward I sometimes take for granted.

Junior & LuLu after their big adventure

A sublime summer morning, 70s, sunny a slight breeze, the 3 of us set off for some sunlight, sniffing & scenery. One of the perks of pedestrianism is discovering all of the disarming dwellings & plants in the neighborhood, details that are never noticed when driving an automobile.

I am challenged with the chance to wear the terriers down. We have been on a considerable course when I slyly lead the pack towards home. We made our way through the squirrel populated Kenton Park & cross at the intersection  catty corner from the post office & the beginning of the small business district. The 3 of us cross the intersection as an automobile slows, but does not stop at the sign, missing us by inches.

The Husband is unhappy that I have made a project of teaching the world the ways of good manners & proper etiquette, but this morning I have no self resistance to reminding a driver when the rules of driving decorum have been broken. I kicked the car as it passed. The delicate lady driver slams on the brakes, rolls down the window & declares: "What the fuck is your problem? You kicked my car!"

Stephen: "You have just failed high school drivers' ed. First, when there is a stop sign, one must stop, look to the right, left & right again, & with no obstacles, one may proceed. Slowly in a park zone or high pedestrian area."

Delicate Lady Driver: " You snuck up on me...  you were not at the corner when I looked! Who do you think you are? What the fuck is your problem? You kicked my car. There better not be damage!

Delicate lady Driver, puts her killer driving machine in park, & in the middle of the intersection, gets out to inspect the damage made by my summer yellow Jack Purcell sneakers. At the large white house at the intersection, a grandma has been watering her petunias, marigolds & tomatoes. She has been witness the the entire episode. We make eye contact, having chatted on occasion.

my weapon of choice

Grandma (remarks to me): "I really dislike it when the drivers don't stop, or when they almost mow down a person walking. It really gets me!"

The delicate lady driver demands that I approach her & her assaulted auto, but before I have a chance to taunt her once more, Grandma turns her potent power hose on the lady driver! I couldn't believe it was happening! A sweet senior blasts the bitch with water, soaking her, & scolding: " I really don't like when people don't stop for the people in the crosswalk. It really makes me mad!"

Stephen (to the Grandma): "Wow! I have never had someone defend my honor like that! Thank you! Thank you! You are my hero!"

Grandma: "Honey, she almost hit you & the puppies & then she was blaming you! She had it coming. My sister & I see you walking all the time & we call your doggies 'kibble & bits'... there goes that nice man & his darling 'kibble & bits'. I really got her good, huh? She will think twice the next time she stops at this intersection!"

My Life Is A David Lynch Movie

Coming home, I get off the MAX train at my neighborhood stop- Denver Avenue/Kenton.  The first thing I encounter, & I mean this is right at the train station, is Dancin’Bare, the neighborhood strip joint. The sign is special to me because, not only does this business have a name based on a not so clever pun (like so many of Portland’s Thai restaurants & nail salons), but they spell out the joke for you on the sign? Twice. Funny, huh?


As I cross the street where North Interstate Avenue & North Denver Avenue meet, I am greeted by a giant Paul Bunyon (recently added to the Nation Register of Historic Roadside Landmarks). He was built for a 1959 Lumber Expo held in the neighborhood. I think he is kinda hot. He was recently given a new paint job as part of a new neighborhood street improvement in my Kenton’s little downtown, which includes widened sidewalks, a bike lane, street art & new trees & plants.

Miss Darlene

I then cross North Denver Avenue to 7 Bucks a Whack. The Husband & I both get our hair cut here by Darlene. Miss Darlene is in her 70s, with bleached blond hair piled high on her head. She wears a great deal of makeup, painted on brows & wears a satin black tube top & hot pants. Darlene cuts hair with a cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth. As she puts on your apron she will announce in a deep cig & beer voice- “…what’ll it be baby? A number 1 buzz cut? You sure got a lot of hair for a bald guy.” Darlene lives nearby on a houseboat & has been in the neighborhood forever. She will give you a running commentary on the politics in the Kenton neighborhood. Her little dog– Elvis hangs out in the shop & is dressed up in a variety of outfits, including full biker gear. She told the Husband that she likes to have lunch at Dancin' Bare because- "Baby, they got a delicious French Dip with fries for just $5!". I somehow have trouble with Au Jus & stripper poles together. Darleen does my hair, goatee & eyebrows, plus the floor show…. all this for $7(I always give her $15)!

 Other neighborhood highlights include a Victorian mansion that is lit up with Christmas lights all year round, but not at Christmas & the lovely Laundro Mat & The World Famous Kenton Club.

The World Famous Kenton Club with a special claim to fame: a scene from 1970s Roller Derby film- Kansas City Bomber was filmed at the spot.

The Historic Kenton Firehouse

Downtown Kenton had one bar & one cafe- Kenton Station & many boarded up store fronts form the 1920s-1950s when we moved into the neighborhood a decade ago. But the neighborhood now boasts: the MAX line, a breakfast cafe, a Thai spot, a soul food joint, a coffee shop, a flower shop, a terrific architectual salvage store, a world class bamboo nursery & bamboo objects emporium, a home brewing outfit, a paper/art supply store, a head shop, liquor stor & police station at the same intersection, & an historic firehouse that is now the neighborhood community center & tool library. I even have my own favorite watering hole where I am greeted by name & my cocktail is delivered wiithout having to order- Pizza Fino.

I am including a few other choice pieces of signs, graffiti & a note I found posted at the MAX stop. When I get off the train, I think- “ah, it is great to be home”.